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  • Kirsty Rutter


Sometimes I get so exhausted that I have absolutely no energy or desire to do anything. I know what I should do, what I need to do, and I know that I will feel better after having done it, but I just can’t find it in myself to start.

No matter how important those tasks are, and no matter how my values are supported by those actions, when I enter into such a feeling of numbness, there feels like there is nothing I can do to change it. As I sit here in that state of numbness, I ask myself how I got here. And I find one feeling buried deep down inside, which is anger.

I am learning to listen to my anger, to address or move away from the cause, and then release it. This time it is not in my power to change or move away from the cause. Deep down the anger is still simmering and building. Without an outlet. Without release. Contaminating the mind and body with negative energy.

I ask myself... What is this anger serving? What do I hold onto it so tightly for?

While I cannot address it, I must let it go. How? Through sharing. Through acceptance. Through understanding that this anger does nothing but hurt myself. Through an awareness that if I can start to move out from under it’s weight, I will be stronger and better able to deal with the cause of it.

I have found the energy take this one tiny step, and with it, the knowledge that I can take the next.

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